I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
