I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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