My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
