My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
