Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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