I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
