So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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