dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
