Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
