just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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