put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
