I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
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