Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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