Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
