I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
