My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
