just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So many bounce houses so little time
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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