I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
