I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
being pregnant is like rehab
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
