Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
