Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
