had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
