ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
worst night to have a conscience
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
