you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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