you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
