turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
