8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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