Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
