Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
third nipple confirmed
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
