Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
