He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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