hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
