I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
