she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
