It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
