I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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