haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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