the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
