No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
