Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
