Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think I died a long time ago.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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