It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
