For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
