i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
