this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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