I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
