Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
