I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
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