: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
