ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize