Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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