the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
