I wanna passion pit in your ass
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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