My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
