im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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