My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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