I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize