you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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