My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
