Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize