I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
